Reflecting.

We are pregnant and so grateful to be carrying yet another little one. This is my fifth pregnancy. Hard to believe. Tonight, I looked back on the journal pages capturing the days prior to and following the miscarriage. I still miss that baby even though we are pregnant again. I am still aware that the due date is approaching. When I see a very pregnant woman I still think about how big I would be and wonder how close to July 16th they are due. I still cry sometimes - like tonight. A new baby does not replace the lost one. 

I find myself saying, "we are pregnant", rather than "we're going to have a baby". Not because I am afraid, but because we don't know if we will have a baby. All we know is that, for right now, we are pregnant. There is a tiny life growing inside of me - today. Praise God! I will rejoice for today! I will grieve tomorrow if necessary, but today I rejoice. 

The Lord has blessed me this go round with little sickness. I have felt mildly nauseous only 3 or 4 times. It is really strange. I felt incredibly sick, all day long, everyday with the last one and was very nauseous with Chloe and Jake. I don't understand why I feel this way, but I am grateful.

Lord, thank you for the time we have with this baby. Thank you for blessing me with the gift of children and for the hope we feel as we anticipate meeting this one. We trust in your plan even if it hurts. If you have called us to more suffering, then we will trust you to walk us through it one small step at a time. Our hearts' desire to have a healthy baby this winter. Please, give us this baby and allow us to raise him or her for your glory! Allow us to lay down our lives for this one. However, no matter what the next few weeks and months hold, we will still strive to say - The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!