Anger and Laziness

Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while or who know me very well know that I am an angry person. Typically, Chloe and Jake get front row seats to my ungodly display of anger and it is, sadly, directed at them. Some of you (Kevin, my brothers and parents, and some friends from childhood and youth) have experience my anger first hand, but most of you have had to take my word for it. Trust me, it is there. It is nothing new to me now. I know it is there. I will never grow past needing God's help in the area of anger.

Yesterday morning, God opened my eyes to a previously unknown sin. It has been there a long time, I just didn't have eyes to see it. "The heart is deceitful above all things"; I have certainly been deceived, or, perhaps, unwilling to see the depths of my sinfulness.

I am lazy. I didn't know I was lazy because I am also busy. I keep myself busy with less important things to avoid doing what is important. I can see this pattern throughout my life. I have apparently been lazy for a very long time. In different seasons this laziness has expressed itself in avoiding the following things: studying, doing homework, cleaning my room, spending time with God (I am most regretful of this one), making a phone call, taking care of paperwork, etc. I avoid whatever task seems unappealing at the time, and I keep busy with something easier or less unpleasant. In other words, I procrastinate. I do not decide I will not complete a certain task in a given day, I just keep putting it off, little by little, until it cannot be done that day. I don't realize that I am doing it, but I feel a low-grade guilt the whole time.

In my current season of life, my laziness and procrastination find expression in avoiding housework. The dishes ALWAYS need to be done; the counter is in constant disarray. Realizing that I'm just going to have to do it again, and again, and again has made these tasks unpleasant to me. They are not difficult. It is just that I'm tired and don't WANT to do them. (LAZY). So, they go undone. Nevermind God's calling on my life as a homemaker. They will get done. Just not right now.

This has been my approach, particularly in the last several weeks/months (maybe Kevin would say this has always been my approach; I'll have to ask him). As Kevin entered PC, I sought to pull myself up by my bootstraps and just get it all done. I know that it blesses Kevin (all of us, really) when the house is neat and the dishes put away. Our home feels restful and conducive to both study and communion with God. I know this and thought I could "just do it".

I cannot.

I am a wicked sinner to my core and prefer ease to blessing my husband. I didn't see this clearly because I wasn't sitting on the couch watching soap operas. I have been busy. Busy doing things that aren't as important. They seem urgent, sometimes they are, but that doesn't make them important.

So, how did I come to this profound discovery about myself and the condition of my heart? By God's grace, he provided an article, or more accurately, a print out of a series of blog posts that CJ Mahaney did called, "Biblical Productivity". As I read, I knew it applied to me. The next morning as I spent time with God, he opened my eyes to the reality of the sin in my heart and brought sweet conviction. How kind of God to reveal this sin to me! He was not content to let me stay in that place but is beginning to bring me out of it. It is also his kindness not to overwhelm me. He could have revealed this a couple of years ago at the same time he revealed anger, but he patiently waited. He is so tender in his correction and gentle in his care for me. I pray that I will learn from his example and be as tender and gentle with my children who have far less that needs correction than I have.

Now that you know, please feel free to ask me about this area. I need grace and help from others. I cannot see my sin clearly and welcome your eyes.