One month ago...

One month ago today we lost our little one.  What grace has been poured out since then!  He has healed much in me.  I can't help but think of where we would be if things weren't this way. We would know, or would be soon finding out, the sex of our baby.  We would be making plans for how to tell everyone and imagining what life would soon be like.  Instead, we have been brought low and HE has lifted us up.  God is faithful.  He is kind and generous, lavishing us with love and abundant mercy.  I am daily aware of his nearness.  I would not trade these things for anything - and I say this carefully - not even to have our baby back. I am thankful for what God is doing in me.  I miss my baby.  Everyday I remember.  But he gives more grace.  

I wrote the following post on January 24, 19 days after the miscarriage. God has done much in a short time and is continuing to heal and comfort.

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It is late and I am hurting.  It seems to hit me late at night.  I am tired so I go to bed.  Then, all is quiet and I have time to think.  I am brought to tears many nights as I remember our little one.  One night as I lay down, my hand fell on my tummy and I realized that it wasn't rounded anymore.  I instantly began to cry.  I didn't have to think about it, I just cried.  

We had already begun to think of ourselves as a family of five.  We were the parents of 3 children.  July 16th was the anticipated due date of our newest addition.  We were also greatly anticipating mid-February when we would find out the sex of this little one.  Kevin was eager to know how our family dynamics would be impacted.  Would Chloe be the bossy older sister of two rambunctious boys?  Or would Jake be the tortured little boy, dressed up by two sisters.  We enjoyed imagining what our future might hold.  I can still see the grin on Kevin's face as he described these two scenarios. 

Our thinking has been adjusted now.  Our best laid plans are undone.  And I weep.  

I am amazed at how deeply I hurt at the loss of this one that I knew for such a short time.  I saw his little form on the ultrasound screen.  He looked like a tiny baby, but was perfectly still.  I had heard his heartbeat before, but not this day.  Not anymore.  

On nights like this I cannot help but think of my friends who are suffering much greater trials and pain.  The pain they feel must be breathtaking.  On nights like this I cry and pray and long for heaven and home when, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4

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Thank you, Kevin, for bringing your wisdom to bear on this blog.  I am grateful for your input and counsel.  I am also tremendously grateful for your care through this trial.  You have faithfully loved, comforted, held, encouraged, and wiped away tears. I love you.