Romans 5:17-21

Today I finished memorizing chapter 5. It has been challenging to keep these verses in order!

For if, because of one man's trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ. Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men. For as by the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, so by the one man's obedience the many will be made righteous. Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Thank you, Lord, for giving me strength and perseverance. 

For your glory and my good.

We finally did it!!

We got brave. 

We made the decision.

Prepared for sleepless nights and very early mornings, we moved Jake into Chloe's room!

I wasn't sleeping very well, I reasoned. Why not move them in together while I'm awake anyway? So, the decision was made and we determined not to look back. We were resolved. 

We had not been seriously considering it. I thought we would do it sometime this summer, but I could wait no longer! Kevin and I have been married for 5.5 years. For 3 of those years, a baby has slept in our room. The time had come.

So with curtain hung between the two, we took the dive. 

Last night marked 10 nights that they have shared a room. What glorious nights they have been! The children haven't seemed to notice or care. They have slept extremely well. They are not getting up any earlier and Jake is actually sleeping later! Kevin and I are able to turn on the lights in our room whenever we want! We can read and talk while in bed. It is amazing! Before, we would sneak into the room - no talking allow, and especially no laughing, coughing, or loud noises of any kind. Needless to say, we are enjoying the change.

Praise God from whom all blessing flow. His timing was perfect.

As always.

Romans 5:12-16

This morning I memorized:

Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned - for sin indeed was in the world before the law was given, but sin is not counted where there is no law. Yet from death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over those whose sinning was not like the transgression of Adam, who was a type of the one who was to come. But the free gift is not like the trespass. For if many died through one man's trespass, much more have the grace of God and the free gift by the grace of that one man Jesus Christ abounded for many. And the free gift is not like the result of that one man's sin. For the judgment that followed one trespass brought condemnation, but the free gift that followed many trespasses brought justification.

Romans 5:6-11

Today I memorized some amazing verses:

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person - though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die - but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation. 

Naming the Blog, Part 2

Thanks to Cara, Irma, Jessi, and Mamaw (who sent me an email) for voicing your opinions on naming this blog. Cara cleverly suggested - Welcome to Our Neighborhood: Life with the Rogers Fam. What do you think? I like that it references Mr. Rogers Neighborhood without being too obvious (I'm stealing Cara's words now). Jessi and Irma agree, while Mamaw thinks I should leave it alone (she is biased to my original title because I thought it up myself and she loves me soooooo much)  :-)

I really appreciate the input. Now I can't decide if making a name change is worth the hassle. Is it difficult? Will people who don't know I'm going to make a change loose track of this blog? Are there really that many people - couldn't I just send an email to people I know who read it and tell them? Am I making a bigger deal out of this than is necessary (me? never!)?

So, if anyone knows the best way to get it done - please let me know!

By the way, I love writing this blog. I think I have always thought in blog-posts, now I have an outlet for all of those thoughts, random and otherwise! It brings me great joy (and surprise) that anyone else would be interested in what goes on here (in my head and in our home). Thanks for reading! 

Romans 5:1-5

I didn't realize yesterday, when I posted Suffering and Joy, that these would be today's verses:

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts  through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

God's word is a tremendous blessing. Especially to those who are suffering.

Suffering and Joy

Suffering is hard.

Tears overtake at moments unexpected.

I am just sitting here. Not doing anything to speak of. The tears sneak up and pour out.

Sometimes pain takes my breath away. Not my pain alone; my pain combined with the pain of others. My heart cries out, "How long, O Lord?" 

However, in this season of suffering, there have been moments of pure joy. Our dear friends (that phrase seems weak to me, but I don't know how else to describe these friends without spending the rest of this post on it) found out the baby she is carrying is alive and well. They were not sure for a whole week - but the doctor was wrong and everything is fine. When she called me I burst into tears of joy! I have never done that. Not for anyone else. I cried off and on the rest of the day as I considered these friends and experienced their joy. 

I know God has shown them kindness in giving them this baby. I also know that God showed me kindness in taking mine away. 

I thought of these friends and their baby, yet unborn, as I memorized Romans 4:17 - ...in the presence of the God in whom he believed, who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist. The baby was okay the whole time, but it feels like he/she was given new life. God is using this experience to show me his power. He is powerFUL. He is the Creator, the Maker, the Life-Giver. He sustains my very life by allowing me to continue to breathe. Praise God! All-powerful Father!

I realize as I write this that my tiny baby is actually in the presence of God. That thought brings much joy and peace. Praise God from whom ALL blessing flow. 

I love...

the way she runs everywhere in our house. 

the way she eagerly hugs and kisses me.

the way she smiles.

the way she wants to wear pink everything: shirt, pants, socks, undies!

the way she always calls Jake "Jakey boy".

her.

Giggles and Snapshots

I have started calling Chloe "little monkey". If you know her, you know it fits her. Her favorite thing is a little stuffed monkey, called Monk-Monk. She absolutely LOVES monkeys and anything with monkeys on it. I have called her munchkin for a long time but, a few days ago, monkey came out instead. She was delighted! I liked the way it sounded too so it has stuck. 

Today, she was playing quietly in her room. Then she called me and I found this:

I laughed and called her my little monkey, to which she smiled and did her giggle-dance. She loves it when she does something funny enough for me to get out the camera!

These sticker-covered legs are signs of growth. I told her she could not put stickers on anything, except herself or the paper I gave her. She chose herself. She was very proud of her artwork and I was pleased that she obeyed me. No need for correction here! Just giggles and snapshots!

Romans 4:20-25

I have been filled with joy as I have memorized and meditated on this passage today. This is glorious news!! What wonderful truth! Read carefully, 

No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised. That is why his faith "was counted to him as righteousness." But the words "it was counted to him" were not written for his sake alone, but for ours also. It [righteousness] will be counted to us who believe in him who raised from the dead Jesus our Lord, who was delivered up for our trespasses and raised for our justification.

*emphasis mine, brackets mine

Praise God!!  Isn't he good?!

Romans 4:17-19

Tonight - only a half and hour before tomorrow - I memorized:

as it is written, "I have made you the father of many nations" - in the presence of the God in whom he believed, who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist. In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, "So shall your offspring be." He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead (since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah's womb.

Bananas

My Papa taught me a trick with bananas that I use all the time. If you cut off (or bite off, as I do) the top of a banana and stick your thumb down the middle, it will split into 3 even parts. I have used it to make peanut butter and banana sandwiches, banana splits, and now, to make smaller bites for the kids. As I was giving Chloe and Jake some banana at breakfast, I told Chloe who taught me how to do it. I told her about my Papa. She said, "Where is your Papa?" I said, "He is in Heaven." Chloe: "With our baby?" 

I love that she makes those connections. I love to remember them.

Naming the Blog

I started this blog on a whim.  It was late one night and I had been thinking about it for a few weeks, or longer.  I named it the first thing I thought of. Since then, my husband has challenged me (in fun) to come up with something better.  His exact words were, "You can do better than that."! So, now I am contemplating a name change.

I wanted to give those of you who actually come here regularly a chance to voice your opinion - if you have one. Do you like the name? Do you have a name that would better suit this blog? I think there may be one to be found. I would love input and suggestions. This is brainstorming so no idea is too stupid. Please don't be offended if I don't go with your suggestion. It may be that I just don't like it. :-)  I will test drive some here before, and IF, I make a change.

The last time I asked for help with something, I got only one response. (Thanks Jessi!) I am not holding my breath this time either, but I wanted to throw it out there just in case someone had a gem of an idea. Since it appears to be difficult for some to post on here, please feel free to email me your suggestions at rogers.jami@gmail.com. (This would also allow you to share your idea with me alone.) Thanks for indulging me!!

Update: I had this thought as I walked away: what about - Rogers Neighborhood - or something playing on the Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood thing.  MRS. Rogers' Neighborhood? I don't know. Thoughts?

SNOW!!

This morning I was pacing in front of our sliding glass door working on my scripture memory. Nothing to see out there, just looked cold. I went to the bathroom and returned a minute or two later and it was SNOWING!  What!? It was falling super fast and I was like a kid on Christmas morning!  I went straight to Kevin and opened the blinds beside him. I couldn't wait to get the kids up to show them. I went to their room and got them. "Guess what?! It is snowing!" Jake started running (you know, the way a 16 month old runs) and shouting "NOOOO!" "NOOOOO!" That is how he says snow.  It was adorable!  What a wonderful way to start the day!

Okay, so this isn't today, but it looks pretty much like this right now!

And there isn't enough to make snow balls.  I just thought these two pics were cute!

Notice the tree in the background.  Yep, that's our Christmas tree!  Doesn't it look pretty all snowed on?  We left it there until last Monday!

Romans 4:13-15 and then 16

This morning I memorized:

For the promise to Abraham and his offspring that he would be heir of the world did not come through the law but through the righteousness of faith. For if it is the adherents of the law who are to be the heirs, faith is null and the promise it void. For the law brings wrath, but where there is no law there is no transgression.

Tonight I memorized:

That is why it depends on faith, in order that the promise may rest on grace and be guaranteed to all his offspring - not only to the adherents of the law but also to the one who shares the faith of Abraham, who is the father of us all,

Romans 4:9-12

Today's memory work contains one verse with a whopping 47 words!!  It has certainly been a challenge to get this passage down - but perseverance has paid off and I finally got it!

Is this blessing then only for the circumcised, or also the uncircumcised? We say that faith was counted to Abraham as righteousness. How then was it counted to him? Was it before or after he had been circumcised? It was not after, but before he was circumcised. He received the sign of circumcision as a seal of the righteousness that he had by faith while he was still uncircumcised. The purpose was to make him the father of all who believe without being circumcised, so that righteousness would be counted to them as well, and to make him the father of the circumcised who are not merely circumcised but who also walk in the footsteps of the faith that our father Abraham had before he was circumcised.

Thank you, Father, for helping me stay focused. My mind feels like mush today and I think I could fall asleep standing here, but you gave me grace and helped me persevere. Change me by your word as I memorize and meditate on it. Use it to change the way I think - and therefore - the way I live. 

18.5 weeks

Today we would have been 18.5 weeks pregnant. It is highly likely that we would have had our ultrasound to discover the sex of our baby. We always schedule our appointments on Mondays so that Kevin can be there. He comes to all of the appointments. I love it! He got to know Dr. Apgar just as well as I did and was intimately involved in the whole process from start to finish for all of our pregnancies. He heard their heart's beat each time I did. It is just one way that Kevin enters into pregnancy with me. He cannot - and would not :-) - fully understand what it is like to carry a baby inside your body, but he does everything he can to involve himself with me. I love it! He fully enters my joy when we first find out we are pregnant and he mourns with me when things go wrong. He is a rock. Not a rock that is without compassion or love for our unborn baby, but a rock that suffers with me and yet holds me steady. He is God's gift to me.  Six weeks after we lost Baby Rogers, he still comforts me and does not lose patience. He joins with me in my pain. I love him dearly.

Trans Fat

Anyone who knows me well knows that I hate trans fats. I have been avoiding them in my diet for 3 or 4 years now and I feel better for it. Trans fat, also known as partially hydrogenated oils (PHOs), are terrible for your health. If you are going to make one resolution to change one thing in your diet, make it this: cut out everything that contains partially hydrogenated oils. It will be hard at first, but your body will thank you. I believe this practice has contributed to lessened back-pain and improved weight management. These are just the things I can see and feel, not to mention the benefit for my heart. There is much more I could say - and much I have deleted - but in order to stay focused I'm going to stop here. Perhaps there is an in-depth trans fat post in my future!

Having made these changes, Kevin and I have been and still are learning a whole new way to shop for groceries. We are fortunate to live near organic shops and farms where we can buy produce and other natural products. Even still, I have this burning question in my heart: Am I feeding my family well? I often sense that what I am putting into my children's tiny bodies is not good for them. I am certainly doing much better than I would have 4 years ago! They don't eat PHOs and get little sugar according to most standards. We eat flaxseed, 100% whole wheat bread, whole oats for breakfast, etc. but still, the question lingers. I am eager to begin moving toward more nutrient dense, whole foods. I am very much a newbie. I am intimidated by taking on a new way of thinking and cooking.

Well, tonight I discovered a whole new level of nutritious eating! Let me introduce The Nourishing Gourmet. Those of you keeping up with Josh's blog may have already paid Kimi Harris a visit. It was love at first sight! The things I have read over the last few hours speak to that question in me and help me get a handle on how I might approach this virtually unexplored world. Eating this way makes sense to me. Now if I can only figure out where to begin!!

I would love any thoughts you all might have. Links to friends of friends who might be able to point me in the right direction for local beef, co-ops, etc.  If you know anyone who is any number of steps ahead of me in this journey, I would love to meet them! 

And now for a brief soapbox moment:

For the sakes of your husbands, children, mothers, fathers, wives, etc. PLEASE take a closer look at trans fat. The evidence against it is clear and alarming. Google it. Read about it. I believe you will be convinced. If you still aren't convinced, let me know. I would love to talk to you about it. Chances are I have simply resisted the urge to talk your ear off about it before!

Chlo-Chlo

Chloe is beginning to love to dress up.  The other day, while she was having quiet playtime in her room, this is how I found her!

My funny girl!  She was delighted that I got to see her like this.  I was too!

I LOVE being a mommy. We have a lot of fun together - Chloe, Jake, Kevin, and I. But it is very hard work to teach these little ones what is right and what is wrong. They do not naturally know the difference. Chloe is dramatic these days, so many tears are shed over the various "no"s a toddler faces each day. She is given to pleading and "why?"s. My sweet little girl is a sinner in need of a savior - just like her mommy. Praise God! He sent a Savior and met my deepest need! 

And my daughter's.

Comments

Some people have mentioned that they cannot leave comments on this blog.  Are others of you having trouble?  If so, pleases shoot me an email at rogers.jami@gmail.com to let me know so I can try to fix the problem.

Thanks!

Jami

Romans 4:4-8

Today I memorized:

Now to the one who works, his wages are not counted as a gift, but as his due. And to the one who does not work but believes in him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is counted as righteousness, just as David also speaks of the blessing of the one to whom God counts righteousness apart from works, "Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered; blesses is the man against whom the Lord will not count his sin."

Praise God! My lawless deeds are forgiven! My sins are covered! Our God indeed is merciful!

My Love

My Love! My Love delights me!

My favorite way that Kevin blesses me is by writing to me. He is an excellent writer. I love to read just about anything he writes, so when his words are penned for me, I am deeply moved. I have countless letters from our nearly 7 years together, letters I read again and again. Its length is insignificant. Kev has the ability to capture my attention - and my heart - in few words. Those of you who know him know that he is a godly man. He is a godly man in our home too. His leadership is sacrificial and gentle. He comes home from work ready to serve our family and he does so very well. He brings his wisdom to bear in my life for my edification. I count myself blessed above all women to have him as my husband!

What a creative God! He designed marriage and gave us our spouses! I am grateful that He saw fit to give me to Kevin.

Kev, I adore you. You absolutely delight me! I love you.

Romans 4:1-3

Today's memory work:

What then shall we say was gained by Abraham, our forefather according to the flesh? For if Abraham was justified by works, he has something to boast about, but not before God. For what does the Scripture say? "Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness."

Ashes

Today feels like ashes. I was angry and harsh and impatient. Where was the truth I so recently memorized? I am so quick to forget God's word, his instructions for my day.  "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you." Eph. 4:32 "...walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love" Eph. 4:1-2  These words are memorized. Are they penetrating? Where was my kindness to my daughter? Where was my gentleness? How quickly I forget what is important! The messes she makes in our home are nothing to the messes I make in her heart. Her disobedience is serious, but my angry response is grievous before the Lord. It isn't important that Chloe do perfectly what I have asked and as fast as I would be able to do it. It is important that I patiently guide her and lovingly instruct her. Not for my sake or convenience, but for her good. 

At the end of the day, I kiss her sweet face and tuck her into bed. She is the picture of unconditional love. No hard feeling are found in her. She loves me even in the midst of my anger. She wants me to comfort her even when it is I who've made her cry. To forgive so freely, so completely! It is a gift. So, tomorrow I will rest in the new mercies poured out by God and I will depend on him. Even as I fail, I will remember his grace. "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood to be received by faith." Jesus paid it all.  His blood covers my anger, impatience, unkindness, etc.  Praise God from whom all blessing flow! It is a blessing to begin again tomorrow trusting in his grace.

Help Wanted

I am wired tonight. It isn't that unusual. Tonight I am thinking of organization.  I am very aware of my need for more. I believe that my kiddos thrive when their days are more organized, but I just can't seem to get it together.  I have had seasons of success in this area, but lately it is a no-go. This has resulted in lost time, days that seem to accomplish nothing, and a mischievous set of siblings. I think we are all more tempted to impatience, anger, and disobedience (the kids to me and me to God) when our days are unplanned. 

So, I am asking for help!  Anyone who has suggestions for how you approach organizing and planning your days, please send me your thoughts!  For your reference, Chloe will be 3 on May 14th and Jake is 15 months. Jake's naps are a bit unpredictable.  Some days he sleeps in and then takes one very long nap in the middle of the day. Other days he is up early (7ish), down for a nap at 9, up again around 11:30, down for another nap at 2.  Chloe doesn't take a nap anymore, but she does have quiet playtime in her room. I would appreciate your thoughts, tips, tricks, etc. I know our days are ordained by God and I want to steward our time well. 

Romans 3:27-31

We have reached the end of the 3rd chapter of Romans!  Here it is:

Then what becomes of our boasting? It is excluded. By what kind of law? By a law of works? No, but by the law of faith. For we hold that one is justified by faith, apart from works of the law. Or is God the God of Jews only? Is he not the God of Gentiles also? Yes, of Gentiles also, since God is one - who will justify the circumcised by faith and the uncircumcised through faith. Do we then overthrow the law by this faith? By no means! On the contrary, we uphold the law.

Isn't it good to know that we, believers, are justified by faith and not by works? I am so grateful that our loving Father chose to save us by faith in Christ's finished work on the cross! God is wise beyond compare!

Each time I complete a chapter, I take a moment to thank God for his help.  He is the one who gave me, and everyone else, the ability to memorize his word and HE is the one who grants perseverance! I am also grateful for this blog as accountability.  I enjoy trying to type from memory the verses of the day. The Lord is using this memory work to change my heart!

Glory Baby

I have been a Watermark fan for a long time. I already owned their All Things New album before we had our first miscarriage. The song below ministered to me then and does again these days.

Glory Baby, by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby...
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby...
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you… 
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday 
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing 
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would… 
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Romans 3:21-26

I am so excited about this passage today!  What a joy is has been to commit this to memory!

Read carefully and let the word of God penetrate your heart:

But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it - the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God's righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus.

Praise God!!  We who believe are no longer separated from him!  We are justified by the blood of Jesus. We need only have faith! I am a sinner saved by the grace of God and I have done nothing to earn this great salvation. It is a free gift! Isn't our God generous?

Suffering

So many we know are walking through intense trial and heartache. Sunday, I listened to a podcast by David Powlison entitled, "A Christian Perspective on Grief".  I wanted to include it here for those of you who are caring for the suffering or who are suffering yourself.  

www.ccef.org/christian-perspective-grief 

Here is a quote that I particularly liked:

"Scripture describes how suffering effects us: it purifies our faith; it makes us long more intensely; it actually shakes us from our sin." David Powlison

I have found this to be true.  Father, you are kind and merciful. You have numbered our days; not ours alone, but those of the ones we love. Thank you for gently caring for us in our suffering and grief.

To my family...

I miss you all.  Especially on Sunday.

Today at lunch...

Jake fed himself chili...

Notice his hair! 

I love the cheese hanging off of his chin!

Romans 3:19-20

Today's work:

Now we know that whatever the law says it speaks to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be stopped, and the whole world may be held accountable to God. For by works of the law no human being will be justified in his sight, since through the law comes knowledge of sin.

Romans 3:9-18

I memorized the follow today:

What then? Are we Jews any better off?  No, not at all.  For we have already charged that all, both Jews and Greeks, are under sin, 

as it is written:

"None is righteous, not not one;

no one understands;

no one seeks for God.

All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;

no one does good, 

not even one."

"Their throat is an open grave; 

They use their tongues to deceive."

"The venom of asps is under their lips."

"Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness."

"Their feet are swift to shed blood;

in their paths are ruin and misery,

and the way of peace they have not known."

"There is no fear of God before their eyes."

One month ago...

One month ago today we lost our little one.  What grace has been poured out since then!  He has healed much in me.  I can't help but think of where we would be if things weren't this way. We would know, or would be soon finding out, the sex of our baby.  We would be making plans for how to tell everyone and imagining what life would soon be like.  Instead, we have been brought low and HE has lifted us up.  God is faithful.  He is kind and generous, lavishing us with love and abundant mercy.  I am daily aware of his nearness.  I would not trade these things for anything - and I say this carefully - not even to have our baby back. I am thankful for what God is doing in me.  I miss my baby.  Everyday I remember.  But he gives more grace.  

I wrote the following post on January 24, 19 days after the miscarriage. God has done much in a short time and is continuing to heal and comfort.

----------

It is late and I am hurting.  It seems to hit me late at night.  I am tired so I go to bed.  Then, all is quiet and I have time to think.  I am brought to tears many nights as I remember our little one.  One night as I lay down, my hand fell on my tummy and I realized that it wasn't rounded anymore.  I instantly began to cry.  I didn't have to think about it, I just cried.  

We had already begun to think of ourselves as a family of five.  We were the parents of 3 children.  July 16th was the anticipated due date of our newest addition.  We were also greatly anticipating mid-February when we would find out the sex of this little one.  Kevin was eager to know how our family dynamics would be impacted.  Would Chloe be the bossy older sister of two rambunctious boys?  Or would Jake be the tortured little boy, dressed up by two sisters.  We enjoyed imagining what our future might hold.  I can still see the grin on Kevin's face as he described these two scenarios. 

Our thinking has been adjusted now.  Our best laid plans are undone.  And I weep.  

I am amazed at how deeply I hurt at the loss of this one that I knew for such a short time.  I saw his little form on the ultrasound screen.  He looked like a tiny baby, but was perfectly still.  I had heard his heartbeat before, but not this day.  Not anymore.  

On nights like this I cannot help but think of my friends who are suffering much greater trials and pain.  The pain they feel must be breathtaking.  On nights like this I cry and pray and long for heaven and home when, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4

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Thank you, Kevin, for bringing your wisdom to bear on this blog.  I am grateful for your input and counsel.  I am also tremendously grateful for your care through this trial.  You have faithfully loved, comforted, held, encouraged, and wiped away tears. I love you.  

Beauty for Ashes

Today I was struck by the memory of what I once was.  I was listening to this song by Shane and Shane:

Beauty for ashes, 

A garment of praise for my heaviness

Beauty for ashes, 

Take this heart of stone and make it yours

I delight myself in the richest of fare

Trading all that I have for all that is better

A garment of praise for my heaviness

You are the greatest taste, you're the richest of fare

You are better, so much better

On our wedding day, I walked down the aisle to this song.  It meant a lot to Kevin and I back then.  I was very aware of the ashes of my life and the beauty that God gave me.  Today, I was struck by the phrase, "a garment of praise for my heaviness".  I sensed the weight of the sorrow I once experienced and the joy that has replaced it. I am new. I am no longer under the weight, the heaviness, of my sin. Jesus took it from me, for me. I delight myself in the richest of fare. Father, you are the richest of fare! I do delight in you. 

Romans 3:5-8

Today I memorized:

But if our unrighteousness serves to show the righteousness of God, what shall we say? That God is unrighteous to inflict wrath on us? (I speak in a human way.)  By no means! For then how could God judge the world? But if through my lie God's truth abounds to his glory, why am I still being condemned as a sinner?  And why not do evil that good may come? - as some slanderously charge us with saying. Their condemnation is just.

I am looking forward to tomorrow's memory work!  I may attempt a (personal) record setting 10 verses!  They are VERY short verses. We'll see what the Lord has in store for tomorrow!

Romans 3:1-4

Today I memorized the first 4 verse of Chapter 3:

Then what advantage has the Jew? Or what is the value of circumcision? Much in every way. To begin with, the Jews were entrusted with the oracles of God. What if some were unfaithful? Does their faithlessness nullify the faithfulness of God? By no means! Let God be true though every one where a liar, as it is written, "That you may be justified in your words, and prevail when you are judged."

I am tired today.  It was a battle to stay awake to memorize. I started snacking on Kettle Corn to keep alert! By God's help I was able to get it done instead of collapsing on the couch (which I was very tempted to do and have done on other days). Praise God!

Papa

A few days ago, as I read about Heaven in Wayne Grudem's Bible Doctrine, in my mind I got a picture of my Papa.  Papa, Ward Stanley Ostrander, went to Heaven on August 5, 2007.  He was a godly man who loved the Lord, his dear wife, his children and grandchildren, and the church. His story is compelling and I am grateful to be his granddaughter. Our son, Jake, is named after him: Jacob Ward.  The picture I got was of Papa, big smile on his face, standing tall with full head of hair.  He was younger than I knew him to be, full of joy and peace.  He was greeting my little one.  I realized then that he is there with them.  He has two great-grandchildren with him in that wonderful place!  What a joy it is for me to imagine them there.  Last night I couldn't stop imagining them walking in the presence of God.  I picture them, one on each side of Papa, holding hands, walking and talking with our Lord.  

The more I study Heaven, the more my perspective is adjusted, the more I long for the place.  I had peace when Papa died that he was with Jesus in Heaven, but I have never been more comforted by that thought than I have been recently. He is experiencing life without sin!  He has seen and is continually seeing the glory of God!  His body is changed and is no longer corrupted by sin and death!  I am thrilled that he is there and not here.  I miss my Papa and I am saddened by the knowledge that my children won't know him in this life.  But I will see him again!  Lord willing, my children will know him some day!  These are not just comforting daydreams made up to help us get by.  These things are true.  The bible is rich with evidence! Heaven is real.  I long to go there and to be with my Lord.  I long to be freed "from this body of death".  I long to worship God perfectly and to interact with family and friends perfectly and to live perfectly - that is, to do all of those things without sin!  Praise God for Heaven and home and for telling us what he has in his holy word!  Praise God that he has made a way, through Jesus' death and resurrection, for me and every believer to enter into this wonderful place!  

Our greatest joy will be in seeing the Lord himself and in being with him forever.  When John speaks of the blessings of the heavenly city, the culmination of those blessings comes in the short statement, "They shall see his face" (Rev. 22:4).  when we look into the face of our Lord, we will see there the fulfillment of everything that we know to be good and right and desirable in the universe.  In the face of God, we will see the fulfillment of all the longing we have ever had to know perfect love, peace, and joy, and to know truth and justice, holiness and wisdom, goodness and power, and glory and beauty.  As we gaze into the face of our Lord, we will know more fully than ever before that "in your presence there is fullness of joy, at your right hand are pleasures for evermore" (Ps. 16:11)...When we finally see the Lord face-to-face, our hearts will want nothing else.  "Whom have I in heaven but you?  And there is nothing upon earth that I desire besides you...God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" (Ps. 73:25-26).  Then with joy our hearts and voices will join with the redeemed from all ages and with the mighty armies of heaven singing, "Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!" (Rev. 4:8)  (Grudem, Bible Doctrine, pg. 470)

Papa and our two little ones are already there.  Praise God!  Come, Lord Jesus!

Romans 2:25-29

Today's memory work; the end of chapter 2:

For circumcision is indeed of value if you obey the law, but if you break the law, your circumcision becomes uncircumcision.  So, if a man who is uncircumcised keeps the precepts of the law, will not his uncircumcision be regarded as circumcision?  Then he who is physically uncircumcised will condemn you who have the written code and circumcision but break the law. For no one is a Jew who is merely one outwardly, nor is circumcision outward and physical.  But a Jew is on inwardly, and circumcision is a matter of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the letter. His praise is not from man, but from God.

Praise you, Lord, for giving me strength to memorize these two chapters!  Use your word to change me as I meditate on it.  You are the Giver of all good gifts, especially your word!  You have given me the ability to memorize as well as the desire.  Thank you for both!  Be glorified!

25 Random Things

Recently, on Facebook, I was asked by some friends to write out 25 random things about myself.  I enjoyed reading my friend's lists, so I decided to participate.  I thought I would include it here for your enjoyment.  If you can think of others (especially my family members) please feel free to include them as a comment!

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

I have been tagged 5 times now.  I thought I should go ahead and get to it!

1.  My whole life I have had stick straight hair.  While pregnant with Jake, my hair turned curly!  It is still curly...not curly enough to look cool, but just enough to cause problems!

2.  My nose is unusually squishy. 

3.  I have worn glasses since kindergarten and contacts since 6th grade.

4.  I am 28 days older than Kevin.

5.  My arms bend the wrong way to a disgusting degree.  I have participated in many "weird human tricks" games.  It comes in handy when I'm trying to reach something behind my seat in the car.

6.  I am very sleepy as a person.  I have fallen asleep driving...more than once.  When I was a child I would leave playtime with my brothers, crawl into my bed, and take a nap of my own free will.

7.  I LOVE coats.  They are the article of clothing I get most excited about purchasing or wearing.  This was especially prevalent a few years ago when I wanted to buy a coat anytime I had money to spend (Christmas, birthday...and my birthday is in July).  Seriously, I love them.  I often decide what I am going to wear based on the coat I want to wear.  

8.  I love food.  I have really big reactions when I really like what I am eating.  I talk about it a lot and often close my eyes so I can really appreciate the flavors in my mouth!

9.  Kevin and I were in the same "Freshman Seminar" class the first week we were at Liberty.  We didn't realize it until years later.  He interviewed me for a ministry team when we were freshmen in college.  We didn't reconnect until the end of our sophomore year.

10.  Kevin and I have moved 5 times in the 5 years we've been married.  We have lived in 2 basement apartments over the last 3 years.

11.  I slept with earplugs in for the first 5 years of our marriage.  I recently quit.

12.  I LOVE to read.  I have always loved it.  I use to hide a flashlight under my bed so that I could read under the covers.  I got in trouble more than once for this practice.  I later found out that my dad did the same thing but he used one of those fake candles that you plug in to turn on.  He would unscrew the light bulb just enough to make the light go out and then hide it under his mattress.  Early one morning, my grandmother (Mamaw) smelled smoke and followed the smell to my dad's room.  She got him up and discovered that his mattress was smoldering!  She dragged the mattress out of the house where it continued to burn until it ran out of mattress.  Crazy!

13.  My Mamaw and Papaw (dad's parents) met when they were 15 and 18 respectively.  They were married 3 months later.  They will celebrate 56 years of marriage this May 30th.

14.  My great-grandfather (mom's dad's dad) was a Vice President of Ford Motor Company.

15.  I refer to parking spaces as "parks".  For example: "Hey babe, this is a great park!"  I got it from my mom.

16. I love to bust into a silly dance out in public just to make Kevin laugh.  Now Jake loves it, too.  Chloe doesn't think it is very funny.

17.  My favorite restaurant is Tower Oaks Lodge (Clyde's).

18.  I can get sucked into something on TV within seconds.  Kevin is amazed that I can get into something while he is flipping through the channels!

19.  I was missing two teeth when I was 16 years old.  I pulled my baby teeth too soon and the spaces for my permanent teeth closed some.  When the permanent teeth were finally ready to come down, there was nowhere to go.  They eventually fused to the bone of my jaw.  I had to have surgery done on these teeth at the same time I was having all 4 wisdom teeth removed.  The oral surgeon released the teeth from the bone and attached a wire to each tooth which protruded from my gum (where the teeth would have been) and was then attached to a wire in my braces.  So much fun!!  

20.  Kevin and I were at the game when Maryland beat Duke in double over-time in the ACC Championship.  It was amazing.

21.  I know at least some (if not most) of the lyrics to a song after hearing it only once.  I never know the artist or title.  Kevin always knows the artist (especially) and title buy few lyrics.  I also know all the words to every light rock song from the 90s.  My mom controlled the radio when I was a kid and I loved to sing.  It wasn't long before I knew every song on the radio.  Now I hear them most often in the grocery store...much to Kevin's delight!

22.  My whole family lives within a 20 mile radius in North Carolina.  I'm talking both sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins from both sides and both of my brothers.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are crazy busy and crazy fun!

23.  I enjoy snacking on green bell peppers with cottage cheese.  Kevin thinks this is gross.

24.  I want Kevin to drive a very particular speed.  Not so fast that he gets a ticket but not so slow that we never get there.

25.  I was a cheerleader in high school.  I wasn't just a cheerleader, I was all about it.  I cheered for my middle school and high school AND a competitive squad.  I traveled with them all over the country for competitions.  My high school coach was also my 10th grade English teacher, Laura Bott.  I was the first freshman to make the Varsity Squad so Laura and I were together for 4 years.  She was the greatest influence on my life at that time and had much to do with my growth.  I grew to love her so much that, when Kevin and I were married, she was my matron of honor.

This took far longer than I expected it to.  Please excuse any typos you find.  I just don't feel like proof-reading.  If you find one that is particularly bad, please feel free to let me know!  I probably should have included something about loving to edit things...just not my things.  Thanks for tagging me (those of you who did).  I had fun trying to think if the most random things!